Depression

Hey, peoples! (Mom and Lil'Sis don't read this one)

I just read Neal's post and it really inspired to write a few things-or maybe a lot, about that same topic. Which is Depression. I want to talk about this in case someone that is feeling how I felt and can hopefully get something out of it. This isn't advice, just me thinking.

I, like EVERYONE one way or another, have gone through it and that's no surprise. Well, it shouldn't be. And I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying that when we get to a certain point in sadness we feel as though we are alone and the only ones feeling that way. That is NOT true.
And believe me, it took a hella long time but with the help of awesome support videos online I came to realize.

I was always an angry person and would hardly ever find myself really sad. That was probably because I manifested my feelings into anger for all the people I hated. Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

But as I've talked about(on my old blog), during the beginning of the Misophonia I became VERY depressed. I've never ever ever wanted to kill myself before then. I'd been determined to stay around as long as I could to get revenge for all the pain I'd been through. Saying that I'd succeed in everything possible and forget about them all. Not letting them hurt me every again.
Then, it just took me over. I would put really small hair-things on my wrists for a whole day because my arms would tingle. I thought of it as a punishment and I knew it was losing circulation but I felt I had to do it.

I even tried to walk in front of a motorcycles and cars many times but they always stopped short from the street and I am SO glad. I opened the window to jump out from the highest room in the house, picked the biggest knife from the pantry and even thought: 'But the small one would work just fine.' 
But looking back now, I remember I cried while trying and thinking about doing all of those things. Maybe because I didn't want to. Though I did. I wanted to escape. It's just really sad when you get to that point, when things are that bad that you don't think straight. Or maybe you're thinking too straight.

Life is full of obstacles right? And when we think of dying/killing ourselves isn't that getting rid of all of them and just taking an easy route?

Dying doesn't scare me anymore. Even though I haven't achieved nearly as much as I've wanted to in this life time, it still doesn't scare me. Not in the least. Is that a good or bad thing? No, idea. But what is a good thing is that I am doing good so far at not letting my emotional pain dictate (is that a good word to use? idk) how I should treat my body.

Don't become a voodoo doll just because of the stupid things that happen/are happening to you, is my advice.
It feels even more disgusting to me that I was hurting myself because of what others were making me feel. But I was letting them win, basically.

This was just me kinda rambling. I had to post something on it though because it was really bothering me.

~India or Tudda Pudda