A Million Fork Roads ~ Advice PLEASE

Hello, guys.


I need some serious advice. So let me jump-start this real-quick:

I live to draw and write. I am all about doing what makes me happy in life, no matter if it isn't considered 'normal' or 'logical' to other people. I want to write many books and plan on sharing my art with the rest of the world when I get the chance. I love gaming and am basically a hermit. I rarely go out and rarely have anyone to talk to, especially about my problems.
But then came blogging and you guys have been pretty awesome. I want to make a separate post later, thanking you for being so kind and all.
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I know a lot of you go to school still and have even started or been in University. I, from the day I learned what University was, never wanted to go. Ever. I hate study environments and am afraid of having to sit there while the teachers are smacking their lips when explaining something. Because it's happened too many times already.

But now, that I am older everyone is pressuring me to go to University or some kind of school. I can't take it and the more they push me, the more confused I get about where I actually stand. Do I even own my own life? Am I not in charge of what I want to do? Especially at my age? I'm not 12 or 15.
For the first time ever, I was prepared to go to Uni. this year. I only wanted to go for two months though but, it was only so I could move out and meet people my age. But after I made plans, someone said "that's a waste of time and money just to go for a few months. Go the whole year."

I don't want to do a full year. And you may be trying to figure out why I'm so against going. No, it's not because I'll have to study-because I have no problem with that and am quite hard-working. It's because I want to listen to myself. I'm not going to do something that I don't want to, I hate that. But I also want to move out. I'm having all these issues in my family because it's time for me to move on already.
I can't keep whining about how they don't care any longer, I need to leave and do my own thing.

So, I want to know from those of you who go to school. Why did you go? Is it worth going? Should I suck it up and go? Is that the only way it'd be able to move out soon?

I'm so frustrated and no one is really helping. All I'm hearing is "Go to school".

~Tudda Pudda

PS. My posting game is strong, lol.

I Just Don't Even Know Anymore

I don't understand and am really confused right now.

So a few months back-well basically a year ago, I'd gone to visit my older siblings in the US with Mom and Lil'Sis. I hadn't seen them in about 5 years and to be honest, hadn't missed them one bit. I already remembered how they were and how we didn't get along. But Mom wanted to go and see them. The year of 2014, was the worst year in my life-yet. And I still cry or get really angry just thinking back on it.

How I was left to fend for myself. How no one believed what I was going through. And I am not saying that in an attention seeking way. Just because you aren't experiencing the same thing as someone, that doesn't  mean you get to shrug it off and condemn in irrational or impossible?
Yes, things are easier to understand when you've gone through them yourself, but in this case, does that really make any sense? Just because you like you know doesn't mean you do. If you have no experience, then you have no right to open your mouth about it. All anyone ever asks for in life are, acceptance and support. That's what family is for, right?
Sadly, no. Not for everyone at least.


I had already known my condition was really bad but boy, things got worse. It's disgusting the amount of times I'd told them I had a problem with their chewing, with their annoying random repetitive noises and burping, yawning- whatever. And they never ceased to stop or at LEAST acknowledge it. I know that it is impossible to not make any noise when eating or doing whatever but that doesn't mean you have the privilege to sit there, chopping like a horse. Or maybe they do. Because I was obviously the weird one that couldn't stand it.
There is a reason why the chewing of animals and even babies isn't unbearable, do you want to know why? Because they are them. You don't expect a horse or a dog to chew with it's mouth closed and not burp out loud, because they are incapable of doing anything less. Humans on the other hand, we are more than capable in doing so. THAT is why is is disgusting.

I remember both of them asking, "Does she get annoyed by her own sounds?" when Mom told them individually,and they were laughing. As if the sight of me trying to escape my own sounds was funny.

Why am I bringing this up when it was last year? Because I'm in the same situation right now, though thankfully 90% better. I swore never to come back to this place and even to never see them again. But like an idiot, I ended up here again. All because I didn't want to go to Japan. All because I wanted Mom and Lil'Sis to have a good time without me. And I wanted to kick-start somethings that I knew I wouldn't be able to in France. But all that's gone down the drain now.
I am now counting my days and waiting 'til I can leave. I can't believe I would this to myself. It really makes me sad- or mad, I don't know what I am feeling right now actually. I can't believe I came back. I mean, what did i expect?!
I guess I forgot. When I left here the first time it was one of the happiest day in my life. When we'd got back home things were still hard but I was glad I was away from this horrible place.


Now I'm dealing with it all over again. I'm afraid I'll be deaf by the time I am 25, having to blast my music all the time. I really wish I was deaf at this point. But it still scares me.
I'm trying to stay strong because once again I am all alone. Then again, when wasn't I? No one cares, no one wants to believe I have something, "It's normal for teenagers to feel this way." I AM SICK OF HEARING THAT.

This isn't about being a hormonal, bratty teen. I am almost an adult now also, so explain that. But anyway, I am setting my foot down now, in this point in time, April 15, 2015 ~ 4:12 PM and making a promise to myself: "I will never come back here again. And I will not feel sorry for not talking to them."
It's my life and if I choose not to socialize with someone, that's my choice. I feel like I'm falling apart every waking day.

But I will not cry. I won't cry about this ever again. I'll stay strong 'til the day I can be on my own and I can trust in myself to make it happen.

If I ever feel guilty or wavered by any means, I can look back on this post and remember that I promised not to feel that way. I won't make a mistake like this twice. Next time, I'll put myself first.

~ Tudda Pudda

Depression

Hey, peoples! (Mom and Lil'Sis don't read this one)

I just read Neal's post and it really inspired to write a few things-or maybe a lot, about that same topic. Which is Depression. I want to talk about this in case someone that is feeling how I felt and can hopefully get something out of it. This isn't advice, just me thinking.

I, like EVERYONE one way or another, have gone through it and that's no surprise. Well, it shouldn't be. And I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying that when we get to a certain point in sadness we feel as though we are alone and the only ones feeling that way. That is NOT true.
And believe me, it took a hella long time but with the help of awesome support videos online I came to realize.

I was always an angry person and would hardly ever find myself really sad. That was probably because I manifested my feelings into anger for all the people I hated. Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

But as I've talked about(on my old blog), during the beginning of the Misophonia I became VERY depressed. I've never ever ever wanted to kill myself before then. I'd been determined to stay around as long as I could to get revenge for all the pain I'd been through. Saying that I'd succeed in everything possible and forget about them all. Not letting them hurt me every again.
Then, it just took me over. I would put really small hair-things on my wrists for a whole day because my arms would tingle. I thought of it as a punishment and I knew it was losing circulation but I felt I had to do it.

I even tried to walk in front of a motorcycles and cars many times but they always stopped short from the street and I am SO glad. I opened the window to jump out from the highest room in the house, picked the biggest knife from the pantry and even thought: 'But the small one would work just fine.' 
But looking back now, I remember I cried while trying and thinking about doing all of those things. Maybe because I didn't want to. Though I did. I wanted to escape. It's just really sad when you get to that point, when things are that bad that you don't think straight. Or maybe you're thinking too straight.

Life is full of obstacles right? And when we think of dying/killing ourselves isn't that getting rid of all of them and just taking an easy route?

Dying doesn't scare me anymore. Even though I haven't achieved nearly as much as I've wanted to in this life time, it still doesn't scare me. Not in the least. Is that a good or bad thing? No, idea. But what is a good thing is that I am doing good so far at not letting my emotional pain dictate (is that a good word to use? idk) how I should treat my body.

Don't become a voodoo doll just because of the stupid things that happen/are happening to you, is my advice.
It feels even more disgusting to me that I was hurting myself because of what others were making me feel. But I was letting them win, basically.

This was just me kinda rambling. I had to post something on it though because it was really bothering me.

~India or Tudda Pudda 

Running in 3rd place for 'World's Most Terrifying Sounds' : Tornado Warnings :(

Sitting, home alone, watching Korean soaps as usual, and there's a huge storm going on outside. Hail and heavy rain, accompanied with thunder and lightening. I love storms and all but not when it here sirens.....

What did I do to you-who even are you?!

I don't know what evil, invisible, jealous, noisy, creepy..etc force is following me, but I know one is and it needs to stop. Right. Now.
I was cleaning the kitchen (which I seemed to have to do every 2 seconds) and was dead-starving. I eat every three hours so I was onto making my 3rd meal of the day.
Ramen with tomatoes and onion slices. (not exactly healthy I know but that was all we had) I put some pinto bean soup on to simmer for dinner (I love ryhming) and was going back to my room.

Anyway, yeah, I got on the bed and tried to put the ramen on too, when it spilled. It didn't just spill but IT SPILLED ON MY HELLO KITTY FLEECE BLANKET. Luckily, I got it out and put soap on the spots. Hopefully it'll be fine. But just to let you know, little guy is now FAR AWAY from me. I bought it because it's been cold the last few days here but you know what? I'm not gonna use it because I keep eating on it.

If you had a Hello Kitty cover you'd probably worship it, like I should'a.

That's not the only thing that happened. I was walking with my bowl of ramen in hand, mid forkful, when I tripped on the bed sheet that was hanging too low and almost fell. SERIOUSLY? What is out to get me? If that isn't enough proof than I don't know what is.

I think I'm good now anyhow. So yeah.....bad-ish day anyone? Anything that scared you or surprised you to the point where you almost cried? Hahah, yes I almost did.

~India or Tudda Pudda

Moron Award of 2015

Sigh....

I did something really stupid. What makes it worse is that it happened a while ago and I'm just now figuring it out. So, all that talk I had about getting my shop together and whatnot here in the US, might as well go down the drain. Like I feel like my brain did. I forgot my fffing drawing tablet!!!!!!!!!!
I was planning on buying a digital art program to touch up the drawings but I can't without it. And I'm NOT using a mouse...

I kept telling myself I didn't need to bring it but that was the WHOLE point of coming here! Now what?! I have to wait 2 months before I can do anything. Or sell something boot-legged? I don't know, I kinda wanted to wait anyway 'til I met up with mom again.
'Cause I want to get my work put under my name and for some reason doing that alone scares me. Even though I'm a bit bumped, I also believe that I was meant to leave it. Or is that just an excuse? NO idea.

I guess I can catch up on some more reading and do whatever 'til I meet up with them again. No biggy. It's just that I'm sick of a certain someone asking me when the shops gonna be live. IT IS LIVE, there's just nothing in there. And another thing, even though it has nothing to do with this topic whatsoever, I'm also sick of them asking me when I'll have their artwork done. I'm not your...your...what do they call them? Designer? Yeah, designer!

It takes time and now that you keep asking, I don't think I want to take the time to do it anymore....


~India or Tudda Pudda

Traveling: Straightening up ~ March 17, 2015

Before we left, we obviously had to clean the house up so that'd we'd come back to a semi fresh house. We'd made the mistake our last trip of not doing so and everything was DUSTY. 

I could taste the dust when we'd walked in. And of course our vaccum broke a couple months back, so we had to make do with a broom. Brooms are not your friend when you live in an old house with wooden floors. Let me just say that. But my room is never really messy, I just have no space for anything so it looks worse than it is...trust me. 

 I only took pictures of my room.

BEFORE

                                                  Bed                                                         Bed Side Table + Window

                     "Closet"                            Gaming Stand 



                                          Reading Area                                          Drawing Desk  

AFTER


                                 Bed                                                     "Closet" 



                        Reading Area                                                 Drawing Desk 


                                                                                       Gaming Stand 

Traveling: Day 1 ~ March 18, 2015 (coming soon)

~India or TuddaPudda

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalmost settled in

I got to the US on the 19th and I must say it is going to be different staying here alone without mom and Lil'Sis. There are too many things wrong about staying here and sometimes I find it hard to be comfortable. Though I am all right if I just stay in the room and preoccupy myself with the things I need to get done, I feel trapped for some reason. Like something isn't right... But anyway, that's why I came here instead of going with them.

To allow them to have fun while I focused on the things that I needed to do. I don't know if it is because of the atmosphere here (whatever atmosphere it may be) but my writing has improve oh, so well. I love it! I'm really happy about that. Now when I meet up withLil'Sis again, she'll have tons of chapters to read!
Oh, and I read 142 pages of this book I'm reading today. That's amazing for me but back then when I used to read all the time, I could finish a book in 1 and a half days. Oh, well. I just need to up my game.

Turning in for tonight. Goodnight, India...(lol wut?)