I Just Don't Even Know Anymore

I don't understand and am really confused right now.

So a few months back-well basically a year ago, I'd gone to visit my older siblings in the US with Mom and Lil'Sis. I hadn't seen them in about 5 years and to be honest, hadn't missed them one bit. I already remembered how they were and how we didn't get along. But Mom wanted to go and see them. The year of 2014, was the worst year in my life-yet. And I still cry or get really angry just thinking back on it.

How I was left to fend for myself. How no one believed what I was going through. And I am not saying that in an attention seeking way. Just because you aren't experiencing the same thing as someone, that doesn't  mean you get to shrug it off and condemn in irrational or impossible?
Yes, things are easier to understand when you've gone through them yourself, but in this case, does that really make any sense? Just because you like you know doesn't mean you do. If you have no experience, then you have no right to open your mouth about it. All anyone ever asks for in life are, acceptance and support. That's what family is for, right?
Sadly, no. Not for everyone at least.


I had already known my condition was really bad but boy, things got worse. It's disgusting the amount of times I'd told them I had a problem with their chewing, with their annoying random repetitive noises and burping, yawning- whatever. And they never ceased to stop or at LEAST acknowledge it. I know that it is impossible to not make any noise when eating or doing whatever but that doesn't mean you have the privilege to sit there, chopping like a horse. Or maybe they do. Because I was obviously the weird one that couldn't stand it.
There is a reason why the chewing of animals and even babies isn't unbearable, do you want to know why? Because they are them. You don't expect a horse or a dog to chew with it's mouth closed and not burp out loud, because they are incapable of doing anything less. Humans on the other hand, we are more than capable in doing so. THAT is why is is disgusting.

I remember both of them asking, "Does she get annoyed by her own sounds?" when Mom told them individually,and they were laughing. As if the sight of me trying to escape my own sounds was funny.

Why am I bringing this up when it was last year? Because I'm in the same situation right now, though thankfully 90% better. I swore never to come back to this place and even to never see them again. But like an idiot, I ended up here again. All because I didn't want to go to Japan. All because I wanted Mom and Lil'Sis to have a good time without me. And I wanted to kick-start somethings that I knew I wouldn't be able to in France. But all that's gone down the drain now.
I am now counting my days and waiting 'til I can leave. I can't believe I would this to myself. It really makes me sad- or mad, I don't know what I am feeling right now actually. I can't believe I came back. I mean, what did i expect?!
I guess I forgot. When I left here the first time it was one of the happiest day in my life. When we'd got back home things were still hard but I was glad I was away from this horrible place.


Now I'm dealing with it all over again. I'm afraid I'll be deaf by the time I am 25, having to blast my music all the time. I really wish I was deaf at this point. But it still scares me.
I'm trying to stay strong because once again I am all alone. Then again, when wasn't I? No one cares, no one wants to believe I have something, "It's normal for teenagers to feel this way." I AM SICK OF HEARING THAT.

This isn't about being a hormonal, bratty teen. I am almost an adult now also, so explain that. But anyway, I am setting my foot down now, in this point in time, April 15, 2015 ~ 4:12 PM and making a promise to myself: "I will never come back here again. And I will not feel sorry for not talking to them."
It's my life and if I choose not to socialize with someone, that's my choice. I feel like I'm falling apart every waking day.

But I will not cry. I won't cry about this ever again. I'll stay strong 'til the day I can be on my own and I can trust in myself to make it happen.

If I ever feel guilty or wavered by any means, I can look back on this post and remember that I promised not to feel that way. I won't make a mistake like this twice. Next time, I'll put myself first.

~ Tudda Pudda