A Million Fork Roads ~ Advice PLEASE

Hello, guys.


I need some serious advice. So let me jump-start this real-quick:

I live to draw and write. I am all about doing what makes me happy in life, no matter if it isn't considered 'normal' or 'logical' to other people. I want to write many books and plan on sharing my art with the rest of the world when I get the chance. I love gaming and am basically a hermit. I rarely go out and rarely have anyone to talk to, especially about my problems.
But then came blogging and you guys have been pretty awesome. I want to make a separate post later, thanking you for being so kind and all.
__________________________________________________

I know a lot of you go to school still and have even started or been in University. I, from the day I learned what University was, never wanted to go. Ever. I hate study environments and am afraid of having to sit there while the teachers are smacking their lips when explaining something. Because it's happened too many times already.

But now, that I am older everyone is pressuring me to go to University or some kind of school. I can't take it and the more they push me, the more confused I get about where I actually stand. Do I even own my own life? Am I not in charge of what I want to do? Especially at my age? I'm not 12 or 15.
For the first time ever, I was prepared to go to Uni. this year. I only wanted to go for two months though but, it was only so I could move out and meet people my age. But after I made plans, someone said "that's a waste of time and money just to go for a few months. Go the whole year."

I don't want to do a full year. And you may be trying to figure out why I'm so against going. No, it's not because I'll have to study-because I have no problem with that and am quite hard-working. It's because I want to listen to myself. I'm not going to do something that I don't want to, I hate that. But I also want to move out. I'm having all these issues in my family because it's time for me to move on already.
I can't keep whining about how they don't care any longer, I need to leave and do my own thing.

So, I want to know from those of you who go to school. Why did you go? Is it worth going? Should I suck it up and go? Is that the only way it'd be able to move out soon?

I'm so frustrated and no one is really helping. All I'm hearing is "Go to school".

~Tudda Pudda

PS. My posting game is strong, lol.

I Just Don't Even Know Anymore

I don't understand and am really confused right now.

So a few months back-well basically a year ago, I'd gone to visit my older siblings in the US with Mom and Lil'Sis. I hadn't seen them in about 5 years and to be honest, hadn't missed them one bit. I already remembered how they were and how we didn't get along. But Mom wanted to go and see them. The year of 2014, was the worst year in my life-yet. And I still cry or get really angry just thinking back on it.

How I was left to fend for myself. How no one believed what I was going through. And I am not saying that in an attention seeking way. Just because you aren't experiencing the same thing as someone, that doesn't  mean you get to shrug it off and condemn in irrational or impossible?
Yes, things are easier to understand when you've gone through them yourself, but in this case, does that really make any sense? Just because you like you know doesn't mean you do. If you have no experience, then you have no right to open your mouth about it. All anyone ever asks for in life are, acceptance and support. That's what family is for, right?
Sadly, no. Not for everyone at least.


I had already known my condition was really bad but boy, things got worse. It's disgusting the amount of times I'd told them I had a problem with their chewing, with their annoying random repetitive noises and burping, yawning- whatever. And they never ceased to stop or at LEAST acknowledge it. I know that it is impossible to not make any noise when eating or doing whatever but that doesn't mean you have the privilege to sit there, chopping like a horse. Or maybe they do. Because I was obviously the weird one that couldn't stand it.
There is a reason why the chewing of animals and even babies isn't unbearable, do you want to know why? Because they are them. You don't expect a horse or a dog to chew with it's mouth closed and not burp out loud, because they are incapable of doing anything less. Humans on the other hand, we are more than capable in doing so. THAT is why is is disgusting.

I remember both of them asking, "Does she get annoyed by her own sounds?" when Mom told them individually,and they were laughing. As if the sight of me trying to escape my own sounds was funny.

Why am I bringing this up when it was last year? Because I'm in the same situation right now, though thankfully 90% better. I swore never to come back to this place and even to never see them again. But like an idiot, I ended up here again. All because I didn't want to go to Japan. All because I wanted Mom and Lil'Sis to have a good time without me. And I wanted to kick-start somethings that I knew I wouldn't be able to in France. But all that's gone down the drain now.
I am now counting my days and waiting 'til I can leave. I can't believe I would this to myself. It really makes me sad- or mad, I don't know what I am feeling right now actually. I can't believe I came back. I mean, what did i expect?!
I guess I forgot. When I left here the first time it was one of the happiest day in my life. When we'd got back home things were still hard but I was glad I was away from this horrible place.


Now I'm dealing with it all over again. I'm afraid I'll be deaf by the time I am 25, having to blast my music all the time. I really wish I was deaf at this point. But it still scares me.
I'm trying to stay strong because once again I am all alone. Then again, when wasn't I? No one cares, no one wants to believe I have something, "It's normal for teenagers to feel this way." I AM SICK OF HEARING THAT.

This isn't about being a hormonal, bratty teen. I am almost an adult now also, so explain that. But anyway, I am setting my foot down now, in this point in time, April 15, 2015 ~ 4:12 PM and making a promise to myself: "I will never come back here again. And I will not feel sorry for not talking to them."
It's my life and if I choose not to socialize with someone, that's my choice. I feel like I'm falling apart every waking day.

But I will not cry. I won't cry about this ever again. I'll stay strong 'til the day I can be on my own and I can trust in myself to make it happen.

If I ever feel guilty or wavered by any means, I can look back on this post and remember that I promised not to feel that way. I won't make a mistake like this twice. Next time, I'll put myself first.

~ Tudda Pudda

March Goodies! (2015)

I want to keep track of all the good, hilarious and  my favorite things that happen to me every month,  hopefully forever or as long as I can.

Events: 

1) Lil'Sis's 13th Birthday! 
I was really grumpy that day and I regret showing it, but other than that, I had a really good time. It's so weird how she's already becoming a TEEN!

                                               This is the last picture we took together when she was 12.


2) Traveling
Although, I didn't like the destination where I'd be staying, it was fun flying with Mom and Lil'Sis. It was actually the first time traveling has ever been a positive experience for me. I used to hate it and wouldn't allow myself to even try and find anything good about it. But I definitely want to do more and obviously can't wait to see them again. :)
We had so much fun our last days together.

3) Annoying Taxi Driver Madness
I went shopping with my older sister, I think it was my third day here, and she'd taken me to Walmart. Which was sweet by the way, because there was a lot that I needed to get. Everyone who lives or knows about this , also knows that Walmart is H-O-R-I-B-B-L-E. I get that they want to go there real-quick and get what they need and whatnot. I can understand that because I myself don't dress for anyone. Ever.
But the way they looked, talked and carried themselves was just plain...bad? hahaha, I need to expand my vocabulary I know.

But anyway, we were done in about in hour or so, and had gone back and forth to the desk to call the taxi about six times! They kept saying the guy was coming but then we ended up waiting 3 hours. REALLY?


SO let's fast-forward to when we finally get one. Since I had given my FR to US adapter to Mom, I had to head to Radio Shack to get another one. We make a stop and the taxi driver asks, "Why? What do you need to buy there?" I exchange an annoyed glance Ol'Sis and then we ignored him. On our way in the store, he follows us. I had no idea what was going on except that if he did anything stupid, he was gonna get fucccc-up.
I found the adapter and then I see the taxi driver leave after looking around. I shrugged but was thinking, Ooookkkkk.....
After we get back to the car, we see that the driver is gone. Windows down and the car is off but he's nowhere to be seen. I know I shouldn't have but I was crackin' up. It was just so random! And when random things happen like that, there's nothing else I can do but laugh. Hahah.
But he came back and claimed to have gone to the restroom. Now, in what state of mind must he have been in to think that there was a bathroom in RAIDO SHACK? Or am I the idiot?
We had a good laugh when we got back home, by the way. XD

4) The "Com-whats?!"

Ol'Sis had told me while we were in Walmart, that she'd kept buy small oranges on purpose because Ol'Bro had been flipping out about them. Saying they were too small and he didn't know what to do with them. So she bought the really tiny ones this time. "Ok, now wait 'til he sees them." She told me, snickering.

Ol'Brother holding them. XD

Turns out she'd been right. I'd played along asking him if he wanted any "oranges", while he was playing Destiny or whatever. (Which is a PS4 game for all you non-junkies....I think lol) 
"Yeah, I'll get some in the minute..." He said, too distracted on dying.
"I have some now, so I'll just put them right here." I put them next to him and ran out.

"What the fxxx is this?!" We hear a few minutes later. "How you supposed to peel these motherxxxxs?!" And he just kept going off. It was hilarious! And I started feeling sorry for the little guys after a while from the way he was talking about them, ahahaha!
So yeah,  that was the story of the whatever they're called 'cause I forgot. I'm not gonna ask them, I'll just leave it. XD Ok, ok they're called Kumquats.

Activities

Writing chapters/fun shorts: I've written so many and I'm really proud of myself! At this point, it's only for fun. Lil'Sis is the only one who reads them.
Though, I'd love to share some of the chapters but not until any of the books are finished. And that's not for a long time. Mian! ;)

Blogging: I created this blog in March. :D 

Posts: Half of my posts are in March, hahha

Settling in in Nashville

First Part of Traveling

Being Stupid

Bad Luck Chain Event

Birthday Presents:

Ol'Sis brought me some things back from South Korea when she'd gone. Which was super sweet and I did not expect her AT ALL. So it was a nice surprise. If you know me, you also that I am in love with KOREA.

Ol'Bro wrote me a birthday card and had bought me a cameoflauge PS4 controller. Because back in 2013, I had brought my cameo PS3 con over and he destroyed it. I hate when people use my controllers because it feels like they're breaking them or making it greasy. (which they are) So I told him he could have it and just get me a new one. But after a while I didn't really care about having one, so it was pretty nice that he still got me one. And NO, I'm not spoiled! 

I found these in his living room. Practice writings for the things he wrote in my b-day card. If that isn't sweet than I don't know what is.

Books:

hush, hush by Becca Fitzpatrick 

Night World N*1 : Secret Vampire, Daughters of Darkness & Spellbinder by L. J. Smith 

Drink(s):

Water
Slushie
Green Tea

Food:

Cake! Since it was a birthday month, we ate a lot of it. Though my skin paid a severe price for all of it, it was worth it.

Games:

FATE The Cursed King 
I haven't heard anyone talk about this game EVER. We've been playing it for a really really long time and I guess we're the only ones. Lil'Sis used to be into watching me play rather than playing herself, but now she's really into it and even loves the theme song that I hate! XD





Soul Calibur 5: Hahaha, I love how this game is always mentioned somewhere. I won't be playing for a while so don't worry guys. XD  


Movie/Tv Show:

You are the only one 
Love&Secret
Marriage Not Dating 
Gu Family Book 
All are Korean soap operas. :D

Music:

SAM SMITH                                                         

These songs a LITERALLY the best...I sound so unintelligent when I use that word...anyway, giv'em a listen 'cause they're good.


March...OUT


~India or Tudda Pudda

Depression

Hey, peoples! (Mom and Lil'Sis don't read this one)

I just read Neal's post and it really inspired to write a few things-or maybe a lot, about that same topic. Which is Depression. I want to talk about this in case someone that is feeling how I felt and can hopefully get something out of it. This isn't advice, just me thinking.

I, like EVERYONE one way or another, have gone through it and that's no surprise. Well, it shouldn't be. And I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying that when we get to a certain point in sadness we feel as though we are alone and the only ones feeling that way. That is NOT true.
And believe me, it took a hella long time but with the help of awesome support videos online I came to realize.

I was always an angry person and would hardly ever find myself really sad. That was probably because I manifested my feelings into anger for all the people I hated. Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

But as I've talked about(on my old blog), during the beginning of the Misophonia I became VERY depressed. I've never ever ever wanted to kill myself before then. I'd been determined to stay around as long as I could to get revenge for all the pain I'd been through. Saying that I'd succeed in everything possible and forget about them all. Not letting them hurt me every again.
Then, it just took me over. I would put really small hair-things on my wrists for a whole day because my arms would tingle. I thought of it as a punishment and I knew it was losing circulation but I felt I had to do it.

I even tried to walk in front of a motorcycles and cars many times but they always stopped short from the street and I am SO glad. I opened the window to jump out from the highest room in the house, picked the biggest knife from the pantry and even thought: 'But the small one would work just fine.' 
But looking back now, I remember I cried while trying and thinking about doing all of those things. Maybe because I didn't want to. Though I did. I wanted to escape. It's just really sad when you get to that point, when things are that bad that you don't think straight. Or maybe you're thinking too straight.

Life is full of obstacles right? And when we think of dying/killing ourselves isn't that getting rid of all of them and just taking an easy route?

Dying doesn't scare me anymore. Even though I haven't achieved nearly as much as I've wanted to in this life time, it still doesn't scare me. Not in the least. Is that a good or bad thing? No, idea. But what is a good thing is that I am doing good so far at not letting my emotional pain dictate (is that a good word to use? idk) how I should treat my body.

Don't become a voodoo doll just because of the stupid things that happen/are happening to you, is my advice.
It feels even more disgusting to me that I was hurting myself because of what others were making me feel. But I was letting them win, basically.

This was just me kinda rambling. I had to post something on it though because it was really bothering me.

~India or Tudda Pudda 

Running in 3rd place for 'World's Most Terrifying Sounds' : Tornado Warnings :(

Sitting, home alone, watching Korean soaps as usual, and there's a huge storm going on outside. Hail and heavy rain, accompanied with thunder and lightening. I love storms and all but not when it here sirens.....